Comment pouvons-nous favoriser une culture de consentement ?

1. Comprendre le consentement actif

Le consentement peut parfois sembler évident, cependant, ce à quoi ressemble le consentement actif pour toutes les personnes impliquées peut être plus complexe. Règle d’or – pour savoir ce que quelqu’un veut vraiment ou comment il se sent, vous devez DEMANDER. Cela doit également être dans un espace où quelqu’un ne se sent pas coupable, menacé ou contraint d’accepter quelque chose qu’il ne veut pas faire. Ils devraient être capables d’exprimer leur hésitation, leur inconfort et leurs sentiments honnêtes en toute sécurité ou sans crainte de la réaction qu’ils pourraient recevoir. Il faut être vulnérable pour être honnête et communiquer des limites claires signifie que quelqu’un est capable de vous faire confiance sur la façon dont il se sent vraiment.

2. Normalisation du consentement

Plus nous parlons du consentement et l’intégrons dans nos conversations cochonnes, plus nous pouvons tirer plaisir et satisfaction de nos rencontres sexuelles. Cela inclut les conversations sur le dépistage des IST, l’utilisation de protection, le lubrifiant, la contraception, l’exploration des courbes, ce qui fait du bien et ce qui ne le fait pas ! Cela peut également ressembler à un accord sur les moyens de communiquer le consentement lorsque la verbalisation n’est pas possible. 

Exemples : « Je pense que j’apprécierais davantage cela si nous utilisions un préservatif/barrage dentaire » « J’ai toujours voulu essayer... mais trouvons d’abord un mot de sécurité » 

Lisez les « 7 façons chaudes de pratiquer le consentement positif » de Bustle pour plus d’idées et de bonnes pratiques. 

CATIE a créé un libre un guide gratuit sur le sexe sécuritaire qui fournit plus d’information, explore des conseils pratiques et déstigmatise les pratiques sexuelles sécuritaires.

3. Community care and intervention 

Violating consent has many forms and there can be instances where a loved one, friend, classmate, coworker, stranger or family member needs a reminder about what consent is. If you witness someone dismissing a person’s rejection or not respecting their personal boundaries, touching them without explicit consent, or clearly making them feel uncomfortable – don’t be afraid to intervene or tell someone about it who can if you do not feel safe doing so. This is how we keep each other safe.

4. Collectively counter victim-blaming and/or shaming

If someone assaults you, betrays your trust, and/or violates your consent, it is never your fault. Period. A culture that silences victims is incredibly dangerous and isolating, even if the person being held accountable for causing harm insists that they haven’t done anything wrong. The following article discusses how to counter this in more detail: Taking the first step: suggestions to people called out for abusive behavior

I don’t necessarily want children, but sex feels better without using protection. 

Whether you are a person with a vulva, penis, ovaries, testicles, or someone who may encompass a variation in sex characteristics, many people prefer the physical sensation of sex without using a condom, dental dam, or other form of external barrier. A decision to go without any form of barrier method must be made by all people involved in the sexual activity and requires active and ongoing consent. 

For example, if you prefer sex without using a condom, and your partner only agrees to sex while using one, if you take the condom off secretly, don’t use one despite their wishes, or pressure them into agreeing not to use one, this is coercion and can cause a lot of harm. All sex comes with a certain amount of risk, but using birth control or a method of protection can reduce the risk of pregnancy and STIs. If someone feels more comfortable to use protection every time – respect this or don’t have sex. 

If you decide with a partner to go without using a form of protection or method of contraception, there are a couple things you can discuss beforehand to reduce certain forms of risk and ultimately make it a more comfortable and fulfilling experience for everyone involved:

Picking a different form of contraception. If deciding not to use an external barrier method, you can always discuss other methods of birth control to prevent pregnancy. PPO has developed a webpage all about contraception to bring you peace of mind and explore other options for protection (e.g hormonal birth control pills, IUDs, implants, the patch, a vasectomy etc.).

*PPO has created a website dedicated to STIs, testing, and how to bring these topics up with a potential partner. 

• If you or a partner have tested positive for an STI or are living with an STI, just talk about it! STIs are very common however, many people are misinformed and having a conversation can debunk myths, clarify certain risks, and establish boundaries on how to proceed or what precautions to take. Normalizing these conversations doesn’t have to be awkward but can be as simple as saying, “I really want to hook up with you. I have a few dental dams if you’d like to use them, but I am also okay not using them if you have recently been tested. What’s your STI status?” or “I’ve been taking PrEP for x months – how about you?.”

Can I reflect on any power dynamics within my relationships?

Reproductive coercion in personal relationships is often grounded in wanting to have power or control over another person. It is important to acknowledge when these power dynamics become harmful. Being human is beautifully complex and we all carry personal wounds that can show up in our personal relationships. The good news is that we all have potential for healing and growth.

Self-reflection questions: 

Have I ever thought about impregnating someone so they would be indefinitely tied to my relationship? 

Do I desire control over my partner/s and why might this be the case? 

Although at PPO we hesitate to define relationships as either ‘healthy’ or ‘unhealthy,’ we acknowledge that certain ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving can be problematic and hurt the people we love. Sexfluent has created a guide to healthy relationships that can help us unpack this type of harm and build relationships “rooted in mutual respect, honesty, safety, acceptance, and enjoyment.”

I know I have caused harm in a relationship or have been called-in for my behaviour. Now what? 

There is never one simple way to address the harm that we cause, however, PPO has compiled a list of resources that can be great places to start for reflection, taking accountability, and learning how to take better care of one another with the tools and knowledge we have. 

*These resources are not a substitute for professional help if you think you may need it. If this is you, please seek therapy, treatment, or support through accountability groups such as COSA Ottawa

Rania El Mugammar is a Sudanese Artist, Liberation Educator, Abolitionist, Anti-oppression Consultant , multidisciplinary performer, speaker and published writer. The resources she creates are always a labour of love and liberation which she often offers for free to community members including 2 reflection pages for Transforming Interpersonal Violence: 

• So you’ve been called-out/in..now what? 
• Anatomy of an apology 

TransformHarm.org is a resource hub about ending violence. Created by Mariame Kaba and designed by Lu Design Studio, the site includes selected articles, audio-visual resources, curricula, and more all about transformative justice. 

• Taking the first step: suggestions to people called out for abusive behavior 
• 9 ways to be accountable when you’ve been abusive
• Thinking through perpetrator accountability

Creative Interventions Toolkit: A Practical Guide to Stop Interpersonal Violence 

*for survivors, community allies, people who have caused harm, and community support facilitators 

My Transformative Justice Workbook 

Turning Towards Each Other: A Conflict Workbook 

*note the kind of conflict addressed in this workbook involves disagreements and interpersonal tensions, not abuse and/or structural violence