Reproductive Coercion – Community Based Prevention
If you think you may be experiencing Reproductive Coercion and are seeking free, confidential, non-judgemental, and pro-choice support, counselling, or community resources – please reach out to Planned Parenthood Ottawa and we will help you get the care you need.
What is active sexual consent?
Active consent is an affirmative, conscious, voluntary, honest, and ongoing agreement to participate in any kind of sexual activity. Pleasure, connection, intimacy, and sexual exploration is grounded in consent! Consent can be creative, playful, and yes – SEXY. Trust is built on active consent and normalizing ways to negotiate boundaries can lead to more fulfilling sexual experiences for all parties involved! Learn more about consent at https://www.sexfluent.ca/consent.
Active consent is NOT:
- Silence
- Absence of a “no”
- Lack of protest or resistance
- A person being made to feel unsafe or uncomfortable by saying “no” and therefore pressured, coerced, or threatened to engage in sex
- Multiple protests or a person saying “no” over and over again until eventually agreeing to sex after being worn down, guilted, manipulated, negotiated with, yelled at, or threatened
- Removing a condom, dental dam, or other method of protection (either secretly or openly) when someone only agreed to have sex while using it
- Assumed to exist based on a past or current sexual, intimate or marital relationship
- Based on an expressed consent for a different sexual activity
- Fixed – anyone can revoke or change their boundaries and consent at any time
- Implied by what someone is wearing, where you choose to go, or by talking sexually (e.g sexting)
- If someone is under the influence of drugs or alcohol, for example, and is blacked out, unconscious, or unable to understand what is going on, they are unable to give consent
How can we foster a culture of consent?
1. Understanding active consent
Consent can sometimes feel like a no-brainer however, what active consent looks and feels like for everyone involved can be more complex. Golden rule – to know what someone really wants or how they feel you have to ASK. This also must be in a space where someone does not feel guilted, threatened, or pressured into agreeing to something they don’t want to do. They should be able to express hesitation, uncomfort, and honest feelings safely or without fear of what reaction they may receive. It takes vulnerability to be honest and communicating clear boundaries means that someone is able to trust you with how they are truly feeling.
2. Normalizing Consent
The more we talk about consent and integrate it into our dirty talk, the more pleasure and satisfaction we can get out of our sexual encounters. This includes conversations about STI testing, using protection, lube, birth control, kink exploration, what feels good and what doesn’t! This can also look like agreeing on ways to communicate consent when verbalizing isn’t possible.
Examples: “I think I’d enjoy this more if we use a condom/dental dam” “I’ve always wanted to try …, but let’s come up with a safe word first”
Read Bustle’s “7 Hot Ways to Practice Affirmative Consent” for more ideas and good practices.
CATIE has created a free Safer Sex Guide which provides more information, explores practical tips, and de-stigmatizes safer sex practices.
3. Community care and intervention
Violating consent has many forms and there can be instances where a loved one, friend, classmate, coworker, stranger or family member needs a reminder about what consent is. If you witness someone dismissing a person’s rejection or not respecting their personal boundaries, touching them without explicit consent, or clearly making them feel uncomfortable – don’t be afraid to intervene or tell someone about it who can if you do not feel safe doing so. This is how we keep each other safe.
4. Collectively counter victim-blaming and/or shaming
If someone assaults you, betrays your trust, and/or violates your consent, it is never your fault. Period. A culture that silences victims is incredibly dangerous and isolating, even if the person being held accountable for causing harm insists that they haven’t done anything wrong. The following article discusses how to counter this in more detail: Taking the first step: suggestions to people called out for abusive behavior
What is reproductive autonomy?
Reproductive autonomy is about having power and control to make personal decisions related to birth control, pregnancy, abortion, and childbearing that is free from coercion, manipulation, or decisive influence by systemic barriers (unaffordable child care, stable housing, access to food etc.).
This includes a capacity to express and fulfil desires around having children or not, deciding if and when you will become pregnant, whether or when you want to use contraception and which method to use, and whether or not you want to continue a pregnancy or have an abortion. Your body belongs to you – these decisions are yours and yours only.
Reproductive coercion, although encompassing a spectrum of behaviours and institutional failures, is grounded in violating a person’s reproductive autonomy.
Why is consent and reproductive autonomy important to consider when it comes to birth control methods and/or family planning?
Active consent also applies to the way we affirm and support the reproductive autonomy of our loved ones, family members, friends, and community.
Decisions around contraception use or lack of use, safer sex practices, pregnancy, abortion, and family planning rely on consent. Just like sex, continuing with a pregnancy or not requires an affirmative, conscious, voluntary, honest, and ongoing decision made by the person with the uterus. This decision is never fixed, implied, or owed to anyone for any reason.
Respecting boundaries and choices around reproductive healthcare is how we can show care for one another and make all of our relationships feel safe.
I don’t necessarily want children, but sex feels better without using protection.
Whether you are a person with a vulva, penis, ovaries, testicles, or someone who may encompass a variation in sex characteristics, many people prefer the physical sensation of sex without using a condom, dental dam, or other form of external barrier. A decision to go without any form of barrier method must be made by all people involved in the sexual activity and requires active and ongoing consent.
For example, if you prefer sex without using a condom, and your partner only agrees to sex while using one, if you take the condom off secretly, don’t use one despite their wishes, or pressure them into agreeing not to use one, this is coercion and can cause a lot of harm. All sex comes with a certain amount of risk, but using birth control or a method of protection can reduce the risk of pregnancy and STIs. If someone feels more comfortable to use protection every time – respect this or don’t have sex.
If you decide with a partner to go without using a form of protection or method of contraception, there are a couple things you can discuss beforehand to reduce certain forms of risk and ultimately make it a more comfortable and fulfilling experience for everyone involved:
Be open about your current sexual preferences or other intimate relationships. If you are having sex with multiple people there is no shame in that at all! Being honest can give all partners the information needed to make informed decisions that respect everyone’s boundaries, especially when not using protection.
Get tested. STI stands for “sexually transmitted infection” and these can be passed through blood, vaginal fluid, semen, rectal fluid, and breastmilk/ chestmilk. Preventing STIs is one of the main reasons people choose to use internal or external condoms and dental dams. If making a shared decision not to use one, a good general rule is to get tested every time you switch partners and before engaging in sex with your new boo. If you are with the same partner for a long time and don’t have any concerns around sharing needles or tattooing equipment, getting tested every year is another great rule of thumb. It’s important that you don’t wait until you see or experience symptoms of an STI because many will not cause symptoms but can still be passed on, even without showing any signs of infection. Most STIs can be treated or cured with medicine before they cause long-term harm!
Picking a different form of contraception. If deciding not to use an external barrier method, you can always discuss other methods of birth control to prevent pregnancy. PPO has developed a webpage all about contraception to bring you peace of mind and explore other options for protection (e.g hormonal birth control pills, IUDs, implants, the patch, a vasectomy etc.).
*PPO has created a website dedicated to STIs, testing, and how to bring these topics up with a potential partner.
- If you or a partner have tested positive for an STI or are living with an STI, just talk about it! STIs are very common however, many people are misinformed and having a conversation can debunk myths, clarify certain risks, and establish boundaries on how to proceed or what precautions to take. Normalizing these conversations doesn’t have to be awkward but can be as simple as saying, “I really want to hook up with you. I have a few dental dams if you’d like to use them, but I am also okay not using them if you have recently been tested. What’s your STI status?” or “I’ve been taking PrEP for x months – how about you?.”
What if I don’t agree with a reproductive decision someone in my life is making?
Is it my body? If the answer is no, this is not your decision to make.
There are many factors that may influence your perspective on a reproductive decision including whether or not someone else should continue with a pregnancy or have an abortion.
This may include:
Subjective religious or spiritual views
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- There is no single religious or spiritual view on various healthcare decisions such as abortion, birth control, circumcision, blood transfusions etc. Religion is interpreted on a broad spectrum and therefore, viewpoints differ.
- Faith Aloud is a program committed to making faith, spirituality, and religion a source of support, not shame, for people’s pregnancy decisions and abortion experiences. Faith Aloud provides free, confidential, and nonjudgmental spiritual counseling for people of diverse faith backgrounds and denominations: Call 1-888-717-5010 to be connected with a specially trained counselor, or explore their online spiritual resources.
- *Historical context also plays a role in these perspectives such as settler colonialism and histories of forced abortion, sterilization, and genocide in Canada.
Assumptions and common myths about abortion
- There is SO MUCH misinformation about abortion that makes it difficult to know how to feel. Common myths and false narratives are spread on a large scale by well-funded, pro-forced-birth organizations like Crisis Pregnancy Centres or anti-choice groups. Action Canada has debunked some of the most common myths about abortion in this comprehensive resource.
Gender roles, internalized stigma, or personal desires
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- This can manifest as intra-community shame for example, directed at queer people and their reproductive choices by implying that pregnancy would reduce someone’s lesbian, masc or trans identity, or that they must choose to continue a pregnancy because of the difficulty for some queer people to become pregnant.
- Beyond gender norms: Home//made is a photography project centering gender non-conforming, trans, and butch parents.
- In some cases, personal desires around family planning in queer relationships can lead to forcing a partner to put their gender transition on hold to meet another person’s reproductive expectations or use their body for child rearing. This not only violates a person’s reproductive autonomy but can also worsen existing gender dysphoria by refusing to respect how they choose to affirm their gender identity or expression.
- Reproductive coercion can also be perpetuated simply by partners with different desires around children or parenting than that of the pregnant person. In these cases, there can be a lack of understanding or dismissal of why a person may not be able or ready to parent, not want a child (or another child), and also reasons why someone might want to continue a pregnancy.
Cultural values
- This includes opinions on single parenting, the unmarried status of a pregnant person, infidelity in relationships, an ambiguous source of sperm or paternity, circumstances around the conception of a pregnancy etc. that determines if a pregnancy or abortion is seen as legitimate or not.
- There can also be cultural pressure to give birth to a boy which, in rare occasions, can result in coercion to have an abortion or become pregnant repeatedly in a short period of time. Expectations for having a large family can also negatively stigmatize someone who wants to get an abortion and lead to repeat pregnancies within a small timeframe.
Ultimately, abortions are always a life-saving health procedure, regardless of the situation that led to the decision. There is also no linear model for what pregnancy, parenting, or care-giving should look like! Based on our own experiences, social contexts, values, opinions, and upbringing, respecting the reproductive autonomy of a loved one is not always the easy option. It can require us to unlearn harmful assumptions, biases, misinformation, and judgements that have a lot of power to cause harm. Prioritizing respect and consent when it comes to reproductive autonomy is what builds trust and strengthens both our relationships and community support systems.
Can I reflect on any power dynamics within my relationships?
Reproductive coercion in personal relationships is often grounded in wanting to have power or control over another person. It is important to acknowledge when these power dynamics become harmful. Being human is beautifully complex and we all carry personal wounds that can show up in our personal relationships. The good news is that we all have potential for healing and growth.
Self-reflection questions:
Do I prioritize my reproductive desires and/or pleasure above that of my partner/s? Why or why not?
Is my relationship built on mutual and equal respect?
Do I prioritize consent around sex, decisions around whether or not to use birth control or protection, and discussions around family planning?
Do I currently support and affirm my partner’s reproductive autonomy?
Have I ever thought about impregnating someone so they would be indefinitely tied to my relationship?
Do I desire control over my partner/s and why might this be the case?
Although at PPO we hesitate to define relationships as either ‘healthy’ or ‘unhealthy,’ we acknowledge that certain ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving can be problematic and hurt the people we love. Sexfluent has created a guide to healthy relationships that can help us unpack this type of harm and build relationships “rooted in mutual respect, honesty, safety, acceptance, and enjoyment.”
How can my biases around sex work cause harm?
Whether you know someone who is a sex worker, are in a relationship with a sex worker, or are a client of a sex worker, common biases and myths can be incredibly harmful and increase vulnerability to reproductive coercion. SWAP (Sex Worker’s Action Program) Hamilton has compiled a list of myths and facts with potential to not only improve our relationships with one another but shift the culture of shame around sex work.
I know I have caused harm in a relationship or have been called-in for my behaviour. Now what?
There is never one simple way to address the harm that we cause, however, PPO has compiled a list of resources that can be great places to start for reflection, taking accountability, and learning how to take better care of one another with the tools and knowledge we have.
*These resources are not a substitute for professional help if you think you may need it. If this is you, please seek therapy, treatment, or support through accountability groups such as COSA Ottawa
Rania El Mugammar is a Sudanese Artist, Liberation Educator, Abolitionist, Anti-oppression Consultant , multidisciplinary performer, speaker and published writer. The resources she creates are always a labour of love and liberation which she often offers for free to community members including 2 reflection pages for Transforming Interpersonal Violence:
TransformHarm.org is a resource hub about ending violence. Created by Mariame Kaba and designed by Lu Design Studio, the site includes selected articles, audio-visual resources, curricula, and more all about transformative justice.
- Taking the first step: suggestions to people called out for abusive behavior
- 9 ways to be accountable when you’ve been abusive
- Thinking through perpetrator accountability
Creative Interventions Toolkit: A Practical Guide to Stop Interpersonal Violence
*for survivors, community allies, people who have caused harm, and community support facilitators
My Transformative Justice Workbook
Turning Towards Each Other: A Conflict Workbook
*note the kind of conflict addressed in this workbook involves disagreements and interpersonal tensions, not abuse and/or structural violence
Planned Parenthood Ottawa offers free, pro-choice, all-options counselling
We believe that you have the right to receive accurate, unbiased information about all of your options so you can make confident and well-informed decisions. You can talk to us about any thoughts, feelings, concerns and questions, and we’ll do our best to provide you with the support and information you’re looking for.